four things i love about america

i’m not particularly patriotic. in fact, i roll my eyes when people get all misty-eyed at the national anthem. and i cringe when people think we’re somehow better because we live in america rather than in some other country.

but just because i exercise my right to not be patriotic doesn’t mean i can’t take advantage of and enjoy many of the great things afforded to those of us who live here. such an action is guaranteed and protected under the first amendment, after all.

in honor of our nation’s birthday this week, here are four things i love about america:

1. that’s what america’s all about: this abstruse phrase has to be my absolute favorite thing about america. regularly heard around holidays such as the fourth of july, labor day, memorial day and thanksgiving, it’s used to sum up and justify the inane beliefs and activities of the american people. football, killing communists, and driving a chevy: that’s what america’s all about! eating fast food then suing mcdonald’s for making me fat: that’s what america’s all about! getting pissed at the local shopping mall for putting up christmas decorations around labor day: that’s what america’s all about! whining about government influence then expecting a government handout: that’s what america’s all about! apple pie, budweiser, and killing puppies: that’s what america’s all about! such a versatile and flexible phrase. it makes living in this great country of ours so much more entertaining. making fun of my fellow americans: that’s what america’s all about!
2. baseball: face it. football sucks. basketball blows. and soccer is, well, soccer. baseball is america’s game. there’s nothing quite like a baseball game. it’s more than just the game itself. it’s the whole experience. driving downtown, paying way too much for parking and way, way too much for tickets into the game to watch millionaire ballplayers play a children’s game. and let’s not forget the beer and concession stands. for the price you pay you’d think you’d be handed a white linen napkin. who am i kidding? this is the case for all professional sports! i know this can pretty much describe the experience for other professional sports, but baseball is the best because they have no salary cap or limit on what teams can spend. but, hey, that’s what america’s all about, right?
3. politicians: what i love best about politicians is that we keep electing the same ones over and over. even when they do the most ridiculous things. why is that? my theory? that’s just what america’s all about.
4. the first amendment: most people get all caught up in defending the constitution. when was the last time you actually read the constitution? it is boring. like totally bo. ring. all it talks about is the makeup of the three branches of government. not really rousing reading worthy of such vehement rhetorical defense. the real juicy bits are in the bill of rights and subsequent amendments. yes, i know the bill of rights are technically part of the constitution. but the founding fathers – in their infinite wisdom – initially weren’t going to include a bill of rights at all. in other words, the real meat of our constitution was an afterthought. regardless, of the 27 or so amendments, the first is the best. in it, we are guaranteed the right to say just about anything we really want to. honestly, what would america be like without this sacred right? saying whatever asinine thing that comes to mind? that’s what america’s all about!